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  Heart Eyes

  Adam and Penn’s First Valentine’s Day

  A short story

  Copyright @ Teodora Kostova 2018

  All right reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication may be made without written permission from the author. No paragraph of this publication may be reproduced, copied or transmitted without the written permission of the author.

  Disclaimer

  This is a work of fiction. All names, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously.

  The characters in this story first appear in the West End series (Dance, Mask, Dreaming of Snow and Piece by Piece) by Teodora Kostova but this short story can be read as a standalone.

  Adam knocked on Jared’s dressing room door, patiently waiting for permission to enter. Before Fenix had become Jared’s dressing room mate, and his boyfriend, Adam’d never knocked. He’d just walk in, as used to the familiarity of Jared’s space as much as Jared had been. But now? Now, Jared and Fenix had a habit of humping like teenagers between shows and Adam was not risking finding them in the throes of passion. Again.

  “Yeah,” Jared’s voice called from the other side of the door.

  Adam walked in, his eyes closed, making a show of waving his hands in front of him as if feeling for any obstacles.

  “Are you dressed?” He asked.

  “Yes,” Jared said with a sigh.

  Adam stopped but didn’t open his eyes. “Wait, you don’t need to be naked to be fucking.”

  “We’re not fucking, Adam,” Fenix said, and Adam cracked one eye open.

  They were sitting on the small sofa, Fenix’s long leg elegantly draped over the arm rest while he thumbed through a magazine. Jared seemed to be reading something on his tablet, his shoulder touching Fenix’s. Those two always needed to be touching. Adam wondered if they even realised it.

  “That’s a first,” Adam said, taking the few steps to the chair on the other side of the coffee table, and sitting in it with a grunt. It creaked under his weight and for a moment Adam was worried it may fall apart under him. Not that Adam was huge, although admittedly he was the biggest person in the room right now, but the chair felt really flimsy.

  “I didn’t realise it was comedy night tonight, did you, babe?” Fenix said turning to Jared, his smooth New York accent in sharp contrast with Jared and Adam's London one.

  Jared smiled and shook his head, leaving his tablet on the coffee table. “Is there any chance you two will lead a normal conversation occasionally?”

  “Probably not,” Fenix said just as Adam said, “Nope.”

  Fenix met Adam's eyes and winked. There had been a time when the two couldn’t stand each other, but they’d reached a truce, mainly for Jared’s sake. They’d never be best mates, but Adam had to admit Fenix didn’t annoy him as much as he had before.

  “What’s up, Adam?” Jared asked.

  “Nothing. Just thought I’d hang out with you for a while.”

  Jared raised an eyebrow, obviously not fooled by Adam's answer. They did sometimes hang out together after the show, so it wasn’t that unusual, but Jared had known Adam for over ten years and he could tell when Adam had something on his mind. Which was a very annoying trait.

  Fenix put the magazine on the table on top of Jared’s tablet and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend’s cheek.

  “Alright, I need to take a shower and get ready,” he said, standing up. “You two sort this out, yeah?” He threw over his shoulder with a wave of his hand between Adam and Jared.

  Once he got in the bathroom, Jared met Adam's eyes, leaned back in the sofa and waited. Adam ran a hand through his short hair, feeling uncharacteristically nervous.

  “So,” he began, leaning forward, placing his elbows on his knees. The chair creaked again making Adam clench his jaw. He had to do something about the damn chair.

  “So...” Jared prompted.

  “Valentine’s Day is next week,” Adam said, thinking spitting it out was the best way to get this over with.

  “Yeah, it is.” Jared grinned, all too pleased when he realised where the conversation was heading.

  “If you’re going to be a dick I’m leaving.”

  This was important, even if Adam couldn’t figure out exactly why yet, and Jared making fun of his discomfort was grinding on his nerves.

  “I’ll behave.” Jared raised his hands placatingly, then folded them over his chest and waited.

  “I hate Valentine’s Day,” Adam said, more to himself than anyone else.

  “Shocking.”

  Adam glared at Jared who couldn’t wipe the grin off his face even if he tried. But he wasn’t really trying. Sighing heavily, not feeling like fighting with Jared right now, Adam moved to the spot on the sofa Fenix had vacated and fell into it, his head rolling on the back rest. He stared at the ceiling, wondering how to phrase his problem.

  “Okay, listen,” Jared said, placing a hand on Adam's thigh to get his attention. “I think I know what the problem is.”

  “That makes one of us.”

  “You don’t like Valentine’s Day because you think it’s overly commercialised, cheesy and unnecessary. You believe if you love someone you should show it to them every day and shouldn’t need a specific day when you must do it, or you’ll come out as a miserable bastard.”

  “And the stupid heart-shaped foil balloons,” Adam mumbled.

  “And the stupid heart-shaped foil balloons,” Jared repeated, a smile sneaking into his voice. Adam turned his head to look at him. His best friend was looking at him with kindness and affection and it just about broke him. “However, you’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. You’ve never had someone you actually cared about so you were only looking at the Valentine’s Day festivities from the outside, so to speak.” Jared paused, searching Adam's face for any clues he might disagree. Adam had nothing to disagree with, it was all true. “Until now,” Jared added.

  That was true, too.

  “So, you want to do something for Penn because you want to make him happy, but your aversion for the holiday is too deep rooted to ignore, and the whole thing is making you uncomfortable.”

  For fuck’s sake. How did he do that? Adam had been trying to figure out what his problem was and why he couldn’t just do something fun with Penn on Valentine’s Day like a normal person.

  “I wouldn't use that many words, but yeah,” Adam said.

  “You should try using more words once in a while, Adam.”

  They’d had this argument in one form or another for years – Jared trying to convince Adam to internalise less and share whatever was going on in his head with the people who loved him and wanted to help, and Adam thinking it was the worst idea ever, especially because most of the time he couldn’t verbalise what was wrong in the first place. Images of his mother lying in bed for days, sometimes weeks, without uttering a single word; her sad smiles; the tears she tried to hide, flashed in Adam's mind, and for a second he saw himself in his mother’s place.

  “Adam,” Jared said softly. Adam shook his head, dispersing his thoughts and memories.

  He cleared his throat. “I want to make him happy,” was all he managed to say. It was the root of the problem, wasn't it? And Valentine’s Day was only the closest obstacle.

  “I know, honey. But I’m sure Penn wouldn't want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I bet he can’t see you holding a teddy bear and flowers and chocolates just as much as you can’t see yourself doing it. So why don’t you do something that makes you feel good? Something that excites you?”

  Adam shrugged, the non-committal agreement the best he could do right now.

  “You know people can create their own traditions, right?
If you look up the history of the holiday and how they celebrate around the world you’ll see there’s many ways to do it, or even not at all if that’s what you want. Valentine’s Day should be fun, not give you anxiety.” Jared patted Adam's thigh. “Talk to Penn about it.”

  Fenix chose that moment to get out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist and patting his hair dry with another. His pale skin was flushed, water droplets still running down his lean torso. Jared ogled him as if he’d jump him if Adam hadn’t been there, his pupils visibly dilating, his tongue sneaking out to lick his lower lip.

  “Are you still talking about Adam hating Valentine’s Day, but wanting to do something nice for Penn anyway?” Fenix asked, throwing the towel on the arm rest and flopping down in the chair. The damn thing didn't creak, and Adam glared at it as if its silence had personally offended him.

  “How did you hear us in the shower?” Adam asked, distinctly remembering the shower running the entire time they’d been talking.

  Fenix rolled his eyes. “I didn’t. It was obvious what the problem was the moment you walked in here.”

  “It was?” Jared asked, glancing at Adam.

  “Of course. Valentine’s Day is next week and Grumpy Grumperson here,” Fenix stuck a thumb in Adam's direction. Adam barely managed to restrain himself from grabbing it and shoving it away. “Hates Valentine’s Day, right?” Fenix continued. “Because he’s the “Meh” emoji. But the thing is,” he bent forward, elbows on his knees, his eyes shining cheekily as he smirked. “When Penn’s anywhere in Adam's field of vision he transforms from “Meh” to “Heart Eyes” an in instant.”

  Jared burst out laughing, and Adam had to admit this description, albeit juvenile, kinda made sense. He was not saying that out loud, though.

  “And also,” Fenix added, his eyes boring into Adam's when he didn't protest his words. “He doesn’t want this to be their only Valentine’s Day together. He wants it to be the first of many. And he doesn’t want to fuck it up.”

  There was a triumphant glint in Fenix’s eyes, but there was also something else – a softness Adam didn’t see much in his pale blue gaze, especially directed at him.

  “Something like that,” Adam admitted. Jared turned sharply to look at him as if unable to believe Adam had agreed so readily with something Fenix had said.

  “Well, then,” Fenix said, all too pleased with himself. “I have the perfect solution for you so you can stop angsting over this.” He leaned over the table and started lifting magazines and books looking for something. Soon he tugged his phone from under a performance art magazine. “Jared and I are going to a club opening on Valentine’s Day,” he said, glancing at Jared.

  “Yeah! Remember Martin Hayes?” Jared asked Adam. “The stage manager who quit last year,” he clarified after meeting Adam's blank gaze. “Or was it two years ago? Anyway. He’s opening a new gay club in Soho next week, with a private party for Valentine’s Day, the day before the grand opening, and he’s invited me and Fenix.”

  The name didn’t ring any bells, but Adam was more of a face person. He looked at Fenix who was still thumbing through his phone.

  “OK, I’m sending you the address,” Fenix told Adam just as Adam's phone pinged in his pocket. “I’ll text Martin and ask to add your names to the guest list. If you decide not to come it’s cool, I’m sure there will be a ton of people already.”

  Adam's bad mood seemed to lift like fog evaporated by the sun. That was perfect. They could go to a club, have some fun with friends and there would be no pressure to do anything excessively romantic, whatever the hell that meant.

  “Wait, so you guys are going to a club on Valentine’s Day? Not doing anything just the two of you?” Unlike Adam, Jared and Fenix had no problem being excessively romantic. They were the epitome of a cheesy, lovey-dovey couple, too over the top even for the trashiest rom-com.

  Jared and Fenix shared a private smile.

  “We’ll do plenty of stuff just the two of us,” Jared said, wagging his eyebrows at Fenix, who seemed to find it endearing if his affectionate smile was anything to go by.

  “Alright, time for me to go before I suffocate from all the pheromones,” Adam said, standing up and stretching his arms over his head.

  He’d definitely made the right decision to talk to Jared, and consequently Fenix, about all this. Opening up to anyone, even his best friend, had always been a challenge and Adam felt a little victory every time he managed to do it.

  “See ya later,” he said as he headed for the door, but paused with a hand on the handle. “And... Thanks.” Jared and Fenix nodded and waved at him, and Adam heard Fenix giggling before he’d even closed the door behind him. “Lock the fucking door!” Adam called, but never heard a click as he headed down the corridor towards his own dressing room.

  Adam loved watching Penn potter around his flat. Especially wearing only Adam's t-shirt and nothing else, with his hair still damp from the shower they’d shared, and his lips puckered in concentration as he read from a thick recipe book Adam didn’t even know he owned.

  “What do you think about Coq an Vin?” He asked, lifting his big eyes to meet Adam's.

  “I’ll take your cock any way I can get it, babe,” Adam replied with a smirk.

  Penn huffed under his breath but Adam could see he was trying to suppress a smile as he sat on the sofa next to him.

  “Cajun spiced chicken ragu?”

  “Do we have to cook? We can order takeaway and not move from the sofa.”

  Adam took hold of one of Penn’s feet, placing it in his lap and starting to massage it. Penn closed the book, relaxing back into the sofa, his eyes drifting shut. He put his other foot in Adam's lap and wiggled his toes.

  “Mmm, that’s good,” he murmured as Adam increased the pressure on his feet.

  That was the perfect time to approach the dreaded subject of Valentine’s Day, Adam thought. They were both relaxed, especially after the hot, sensual sex they’d had in the shower. And yet, Adam's pulse increased as he said,

  “Valentine’s Day’s coming up.” He tried to sound casual but he wasn’t sure he was pulling it off, especially with his heart racing and palms getting sweaty.

  Penn cracked one eye open. “Yeah.” He closed his eye and made an indecent noise as Adam put pressure on the balls of his foot.

  “So, um...” Adam began, watching Penn for any signs he was willing to help him out here. Penn kept his eyes closed and his expression blank.

  Dammit. If the guy wasn’t so fucking sexy Adam might have been annoyed.

  “Do you want to do anything?” He finally said.

  “Do you?”

  Adam pursed his lips. “I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day...” He began, but couldn’t finish his practiced speech before Penn interrupted him.

  “I kinda had a feeling you weren’t.”

  “But,” Adam said pointedly, making Penn open his eyes at the insistency of his voice. “I want to do something this year. With you.”

  Adam swallowed audibly, his throat like sandpaper. Why was he so fucking nervous about all this? Penn was a great guy, he’d never do anything to make Adam feel uncomfortable.

  “Yeah?” Penn grinned, sitting up and crawling into Adam's lap. He kissed him gently, sweetly, wrapping his hands around Adam's neck. Adam palmed Penn’s ass under the t-shirt almost on an instinct.

  “Yeah,” Adam confirmed, Fenix’s words floating in his mind. He swallowed again, watching as Penn caught the movement of his Adam's Apple and licked his lips. “It’ll be our first Valentine’s Day together. But I’m kinda hoping it won’t be our last.”

  Penn’s pale cheeks flushed with delight as he bent down to kiss Adam again, deeper this time, his hips grinding against Adam's thighs. Adam moaned in frustration as Penn’s lips left his own only to slide along his jaw, his neck, leaving little nips and licks along the way.

  “I’m hoping for that, too,” Penn whispered in Adam's ear, his hips moving more insistently. Adam could fee
l his hard cock against his stomach. It made all the words evaporate from his brain in a cloud of lust. “But I’m working on Valentine’s Day.”

  Penn’s words felt like a bucket of icy cold water being poured on Adam's head. The transition from a sexy conversation with his boyfriend back to reality gave him whiplash.

  The possibility of not spending Valentine’s day with Penn hit him harder than he’d expected.

  “What?” He asked, staring at Penn as if he’d spoken in a foreign language.

  Penn sighed and stilled in Adam's lap, but didn’t move away. If anything his hands tightened on Adam's shoulders.

  “There’s this big charity event Sonnie's organising and I agreed to show a few designs to be auctioned. Sonnie says I have to be there to “network” and “charm everyone with my cute, button nose.” His words.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Starts at seven but I’m not sure when it’ll end.”

  “Okay...” Adam said slowly, in his mind already calculating the possibility of making it to the club after the musical. “I think we can work with that.”

  “Do you actually have anything planned?” Penn asked, the surprise evident on his face.

  “Kinda.” Adam ran his hands up and down Penn’s back under the t-shirt, loving the velvety smooth skin and the way it felt against his hands. Nobody had ever felt that good in his arms.

  “You’re not gonna tell me?”

  “I will, I just got a bit distracted.” He cupped Penn’s ass for emphasis. The curious expression on Penn’s face didn't change. “Jared and Fenix are going to a private party in this new gay club in Soho. They said we could go, too.”

  Penn didn’t reply straight away. He studied Adam, as if trying to glimpse something behind his words. Adam had always been uncomfortable when people stared at him, feeling like an insect under a magnifying glass, about to burst into flames any time soon. But when Penn watched him, with so much damn understanding and kindness in his eyes, Adam felt the storm inside him calm instead of raging on.